Guest Post- How Does Dating Work? -From a Male Perspective

Hi all!

Today I'm excited to share my very first ever Guest Post! Dating from a male perspective.

Our guest writer, Mr A (not his real name) wanted to contribute anonymously, I got the Let the Words Speak for Themselves sort of vibe. And I'm totally okay with that. I'm happy he shared his thoughts with us. I've known Mr A a couple years, he's a wonderful guy, about to be married to a even awesome-er lady, who's perfect for him. They are so cute to watch! They both get their happy ending! Aww! All the sweetness!!

My Answer to How Dating Works.  By Mr A. 

How does dating work? I keep hearing the same question from my single friends. What is funny is that I don’t know why they are asking me because I have no real experience by which to give an intelligent answer. I have a long line of dating and relationship failures that should discourage anyone from asking me for advice. To that, one friend retorted, “At least you are out dating and in relationships”. He was right, so here is my answer to how dating works. It is based on my experience, advice I have received, and a whole lot of being honest with myself. May God save us all…

You – Who is normally the one common denominator in any long list of dating disasters…it is me…and you. It has been said over and over that we need to be healthy ourselves in order to be part of a healthy relationship. It makes sense that we need to be healthy, or healthy enough, before we even start looking to date. Of course, healthy means emotionally, professionally, financially, socially, intellectually, spiritually, and family relationships. That is a tall order but each one them is an important part of who we really are. Each one also has the distinction of being an “issue” or a “support system”. A healthy person will have more support systems than issues. Let’s work on ourselves and look for people who are working on themselves.

Myths – Let’s dispel the dating myths. Like, “all the good men are gone or gay” or “all of the women are crazy”. There are many variations of these myths and they are wrong. No demographic can be created to explain why any of us are single and miserable. No bad experience in our past can explain the vast number of single people who think the same angry thoughts as everyone else. DO NOT buy into the myths. There are lot of single men and women who want a relationship, who are willing to invest in a relationship, and deserve the good gifts of a healthy relationship. Myths are the product of a bad attitude. Dispelling the myths are a product of hope, faith, and positive thinking.  

Changes – One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result. Not finding dates, not meeting quality people, and bad dates are probably a result of doing the wrong thing over and over. We need to change something that we are doing. Maybe we need to change a lot of things we are doing. Change is hard. It is harder the older we get. Change takes us out of our comfort zone. Change is good if we want to change our dating track record. Change is a product of hope, faith, and having self-respect…and a little adventure!

Family relationships – Second only to the “self” is the family tree from which you grew and fell. There is a reason why we start looking and acting like our parents as we age. We are products of those family units and that can be for good or ill. We need to listen to how our potential dates talk about their parents, siblings, and family experiences. The cycle of abuse suggests that a person will subconsciously seek out abusive relationships. We often seek in a partner what we learned at home whether it was good or bad. Lets make the effort to meet the parents and siblings so we have a better idea of what is in the gene pool we are about to dive into.

Spirituality – After a couple divorces and bad relationships it is easy to submit yourself to deity and proclaim, “Only Jesus can save me now!” As cliché’ as it may be that needs to be true for all of us. We are all of different faiths and points of progression. Spirituality is very real to all of us. We need to have a foundation in our faith that we can fall back on when we need it, or when someone important to us needs it. Sometimes we don’t have those answers or foundation. We should at least be trying to find them. We should always be able to describe where we are spiritually to a person of interest. It will be a matter of interest to both partners soon enough.

Sexuality – Humans are sexual creatures. Sexuality is important because it perpetuates our species. It is the means by which we are created, have kids, and have grandkids. It is a good thing. It can also be very personal and awkward. We need to understand our sexuality. That is a little easier if we have been married, in relationships, or sexually active. We need to understand our tastes, our limits, our drive, our frequency. This doesn’t mean we need to be sexually active. It means we need to know who we are sexually so we and our partner can anticipate (or dread) who we are sexually before it is too late.

Honesty – More than anyone we need to be honest with ourselves. To some degree we have all lied, lusted, cheated, used, and generally been a turd. Admit it, own it, don’t fear it, and don’t even be ashamed of it. We have all likewise been kind, generous, fun, accomplished, dependable, and generally good people. We can be honest with ourselves and own the good stuff too, we can be proud of the good stuff too, and we can share the good stuff. Being honest to ourselves means addressing the good and the bad. Only then can we be completely honest with people we want in our life.

Being completely honest with other people is hard. At some point honesty will hurt feelings, create conflict, and threaten a relationship. Dishonesty only prolongs the pain and increases the stakes. Honesty requires some courage on everyone’s part. It is important to let your partner be honest and let it hurt a little. Mutual honesty evens the table, it evens the odds, and evens the sting…it reduces the conflict and opens the door to answers.

The list above should be as rock solid and unchanging as possible in order to experience healthy dating and emerging relationships. These areas should define our characters and everything we say or do.

The impending list should be solid but can certainly be more flexible and changeable if a person chooses to make that change.

Appearance – It is unfortunate but appearance matters. It is the first thing we see. It is the first element of attraction. It is the first impression, hopefully not the last. I went on a second date once, to a movie. I wore my favorite Looney Toones “Yosimitee Sam” Harley Davidson t-shirt. It is the best of my HD shirt selection. As I approached my date I could see that she had taken that extra 15 minutes to look good, and she looked great. I knew I had underdressed. It didn’t feel like it was a “strike one” but I know a “high and tight fast ball” when I see one. We saw the movie “The Kingsman”. During the movie a particular scene showed two sophisticated men dressed in the finest suites. My date leaned over to me and said, “I love it when a man dresses up.” “Strike One!”

Men, do you know what a dress shirt is? Do you know where they sell them? Do you know how many days there are in a week? There is nothing wrong with a favorite T-shirt but we need to start being ready to dress up a little on any given day of the week. Most women take those extra 15 minutes to look good and they deserve to be with a man who does the same.

Ladies, do you remember playing dress up, doing each other’s hair, and practicing with make up? That is why you can look good in just 15 minutes. The boys didn’t do that…in most cases men still don’t do that. Maybe we should go shopping together…and call it a date. You pick the colors schemes and the men will listen and learn. This wasn’t my idea. Sandy, a friend of mine, told me when she fell in love with Darren she took him clothes shopping. Long story short, they are still married. Who knows, there might be a wedding boutique or jewelry store close to the store with dress shirts.

Personal Hygiene – Before you put on that $30 shirt. Let’s talk about personal hygiene No one likes talking about personal hygiene. Probably because it is personal and the very need for hygiene means something about us is nasty and smells bad. Poor hygiene is a turn off. Good hygiene brings out the best in the even the worst of our physical self. Brushing our teeth three times a day is less about preventing cavities as it is about not offending those who want to kiss us. There is a reason facial hair is called a “flavor saver”. Who are we saving that flavor for? “Hot spots” should refer to the places we go and fall in love…not the body parts that reek the most. We spend hundreds of dollars a year on deodorant, body spray, and perfume. The best personal hygiene product cost less than a penny apiece and is gentle enough for a new born…it is the baby wipe. Enough said!

Hobbies – “So what do you do in your spare time?”, “Oh, nothing really”. Strike Two!!! Don’t ever let this question go unanswered!!! A hobby is what keeps us sane. A hobby shows our creative side. A hobby shows a zest for life. A hobby shows self-confidence and coping mechanisms. A hobby is something to talk about. A hobby is something to share with a friend (that you would like to date!) A hobby gives you something to do on a date. A hobby can be a foundation for friendship or date without ever using the word date. If it has ever been said of you to “get a life” then you need to get a hobby and you will never be criticized again.

Dream on – Did you see the movie Tombstone? There is a scene where a women asked Wyatt Erpp, “What do you dream about?” The question caused Wyatt to think deep. Wyatt asked his wife what she dreamed about and she grumbled something about dreams not coming true. You could see the devastation in Wyatt’s expression. In the end, the dreamer rode into the sunset with her man Wyatt Erpp. We need to dream! We need to believe in those dreams! Dreams are prayers, they require faith, hope, and positive thinking. They are fun, they are something to talk about, they are forward thinking and they create the future.

Dreaming is fun but we can’t live on dreams. Dreams also demand hard work, planning, and sacrifice. All of these are virtues that we would all like in a partner. We need to be dreamers, surround ourselves with dreamers, and pay the price to see those dreams come true

Meeting People – For some of us it would be enough of a dream come true just to meet someone worth dating. So where is that place where we meet people? I will tell you where it isn’t. It isn’t in the safety of your home or with your family. Who do you know that met someone while they were at home or hanging out with their family? We meet new people at bars, clubs, church, in groups of people, introductions, and dating sites? Pick your poison! Every place on this list has a reputation for a high level of rejection and failure but we have to do something right?

There is one place on the list that I will defend but I will defend it differently. I think the introduction is our best shot. Not the classic blind date. I’m talking about team work, yes, a group of single people all working together to help each other find someone. Most of us don’t have the full skill set to find, date, and manage relationships. If we did I wouldn’t be writing this. What if we had a group of “Friends” like the show “Friends” who were all working together to make sure everyone succeeded in the dating and relationship process. A group like that would have the verbal, emotional, and general insight that we lack as individuals. They may also have resources and ideas for creating environments where it is possible to meet new people. If everyone was honest and committed to each other there might be some discomfort and certainly some serious learning moments.

Living our dreams…living our dreams may be the best means of adding someone significant to our life. Too much of our lives are spent doing what we need to because we have bills to pay and this requires the daily drudgery of work and doing what we are expected to do, when we are expected to do it, and being accountable to someone who is as miserable as we are being accounted to…uugg!!!. When we are living our dreams there is a energy and passion in our voice, our movement, a pace, and a fire in our eye that other people can see. There is also a far greater chance of meeting someone interesting who shares that passion and fire when we are living our dreams than when we are at the other place…work. I can feel the energy sucked out of me just writing the word “work”. I can feel the energy like fresh air when I write the words passion, dreams, and living!!! We need to find our passions and live them so we find someone who shares our passions so we can live with them.

The Past -- It is often said that we need to put the past behind us and get ex’s out of our lives. I disagree to some degree. We need to learn from the past and our ex’s may know us better than anyone else because they experienced us in a relationship. Learning what went wrong is critical in not making the same mistake again. As long as we are single we need to be learning to improve our social skills and drawing knowledge from as many people as we can, particularly our ex’s.

Words – One of the things we can learn from each other is how to choose our words better and how to interpret what is said to us. Women are often accused of talking in riddles and ques (codes). Men are often accused of not getting “it”. We need to learn to understand how words and ques (nonverbal cues and codes) are used by both genders so we can get better at reading each other. The ability to master and use words in a positive way may also be called “terms of endearment”. It is endearing for someone to say the right things at the right times.

 Who is Smarter?

This really isn’t a hard question, women are smarter. This was mostly true as kids when girls were talking about boys at a slumber party and the boys were throwing eggs at the girl’s house and rocks at each other. As we grew up professionals discovered that women were about 5 years more mature than men. That is why it might be ok or men to marry younger women, it evens the maturity scale. In our adult dating world I am convinced that women are far more than 5 years ahead of the men. Single women have typically taken the time to educate themselves on self-worth, self-esteem, self-improvement, dating, standards, and expectations in terms of relationships. This reading material typically comes from books like “The 5 Love Languages”,
Men are From Mars – Women Are From Venous” and Women’s Health, and of course the vast internet

I have likewise discovered that men don’t read those types of resources. We read interesting stuff, like Guns & Ammo, Popular Mechanic, and ESPN online. While these resources are more interesting it explains why women are smarter when it comes to relationships. Maybe we should read some of what they are reading so we can figure them out!!

I think what we stand to learn is what women expect, why they expect it, what they are looking for in men, and what they mean when they drop little hints that we so often overlook. Maybe it is easier to just ask a women up front, on a first date, what she  wants in a relationship and how to give her what she wants. I tried that, it doesn’t work! If we have to ask it is proof that we have no class, no game, no swagger, no clue, no romance…so don’t ask. We need to read the books so it comes more natural and women think we have some game, and romance.

As we do become educated like the women the dating world could change drastically. Right now it appears that women are setting the standard and enforcing the expectations. What if men likewise raised the standards of women, enforced expectations, and held women to a higher standard of relationship behavior. I think we would have greater clarity and communication, better leadership, and an equal yoke for the “equally yoked”. We might have a battle of the sexes…but then we might have more success in dating and this conversation would evolve into better understanding our wives.

There is no part of reading, education, and learning that replaces the time we spend in actual face to face conversation with a women. The more time we spend with people, talking, and more importantly listening the more likely we are to understand a women. When we have quality conversation we are more likely to find the answers we need. We are more likely develop the trust we need to ask deeper questions. Quality conversation and time is the real answer but we also need to educate ourselves in order to put the quality in the time that we spend.

Boundaries – Boundaries are a critical part of dating that are often overlooked until it is too late. Boundaries are often understood as means of controlling other people or protecting yourself from other people. There may be some truth in that particularly if someone has had bad experiences before. Boundaries also need to be understood as a statement of self-respect, self-control, and self-esteem. The absence of boundaries makes a person vulnerable to abuse and being taken advantage of. A person with a positive self-image will have the fortitude to protect themselves from offences and their partners from committing offences. Boundaries actually protect and serve both parties in a relationship and date. Dates who refuse to respect boundaries are clearly not relationship material. In the end, the person who needs to respect a boundary the most is the one setting the boundary.

Time – Time is precious. We can’t get it back…but if it is well spent we can remember it forever. If a date or relationship is going nowhere don’t waste precious time. Let the person go so they can move on with their life and make good use of their time. If the time passes like hours are minuets…then spend more time with that person.

Be careful what you ask for – I once prayed to be married. After I prayed I pondered…and a strange yet still gentle impression came to me, “you wait”. It wasn’t a harsh impression at all but it was more like a “be careful what you ask for” or “you don’t know what you asking for” Wouldn’t be cool if we found someone that had accomplished everything we had accomplished. Like own a home. Owning a home is a great accomplishment but I wonder which partner is going to sell their home and move in with the other. Does it make more sense that homeowner would embrace a partner who would benefit from that home? Does it make more sense that each partner would offer the other something the other doesn’t have? Hence, each partner improves their situation. Sometimes we make lists of what we think we need and want in a partner and maybe we aren’t being realistic. Look at the list again, is that REALLY what you want? Is that REALLY what you need?

Open your eyes!! – Many years ago one of our church leaders stated, “Most women are not treated as they should be…and most women wouldn’t recognize it if they were.” Of course, that is also true of men. If a potential partner loved, adored, and admired you…would you recognize it? After a certain amount of rejection, disappointment, and pain I think it is easy to get overly guarded, selective, and cynical. When we do that we probably disqualify some wonderful companions or potential companions. We really need to open our eyes and see what is within our own reach.

50 First Dates (or more): We should never go on a second date. Every date should be a first date, even after we are married.